Ya Mama has a soft spot for many things, but tactics isn't exactly one of them. She likes her training, of course, when she can practise her HOT new moves, but tactics smack of hard work and organisation. Not that she doesn't like it hard every now and then, and she does have some 'tactics', but I'm afraid they are secret. Secret because she likes them to come as a surprise and secret because they are her own, her very own, and no-one else's.

So I'm afraid that this section is going to be turned into a newbie training area, and as Ya Mama's newbie master, I have been assigned to the position.

N00BS ATTEENNNSHUN!!

Welcome to Boot Camp filth. This is Ya Mama's n00by training academy filth. I am your drill sergeant filth. You call me sir. I am going to batter some playing skills into you if it's the last thing I do filth. You are going to cry for your mothers filth, but we only have Ya Mama here.

First we have basic KINGPIN WEAPONS TRAINING.

In all FPS there are lots of weapons, and all of them have their strengths and their weaknesses. Any old fool will tell you that the FLAMETHROWER is far and away the best weapon in KP. It is easy to aim, does lots of damage, and it is difficult to hit someone who is spraying a jet of fire in your face. It is, in short, the perfect softening-up weapon, and when you have softened up the target, I suggest you go in for the kill with our next weapon, the PIPE. This is the ultimate close-quarters weapon, and your enemy will be pissing his pants, crying like a baby, while you pound his face into a pulp. This is the most effective killer combo, for use in the field when discretion and silence are low priority.

ARE YOU LISTENING ???

Now some people may try and tell you that the ROCKET LAUNCHER or even, God forbid, the HMG are the best weapons in the game, but believe me this is not so. I will whip anyone that dares even to pick up such a weapon should they pass one. They are both unwieldy, hard to aim, and slow to fire. No, my darling n00bs, what you want is the PISTOL. Fast to fire, quick to reload, and deadly accurate, the pistol is the marksman's weapon of choice. If you are not so confident in your aim, you may want to MOD the pistol into a rapid-fire magnum, but this is distinctly unprofessional, and an admission of weakness. If you find you are getting killed whilst practising with the pistol, try using the SHOTGUN instead, which packs a larger punch, if considerably less finesse.

ON YOUR KNEES!!!

The last two weapons are exactly what you people, you disgusting newbies, are probably using at the moment, and you know why? Because you are newbies, that's why. The GRENADE LAUNCHER, or the pineapple chucka as we in the forces like to call it, is truly laughable. You'd be taken more seriously if you were throwing stones. Any veteran worth his salt will simply step around your useless missile as it lies on the ground, and batter your sorry ass.

And don't even try and ask me about the TOMMY GUN. Don't make me laugh. Don't make me cry. You are a disgrace. Anyone that uses such a weapon deserves to be shot.

IF YOU EVER…

Use armour, you will have me to answer to. Armour is for the weak, the unskilled, and I will not tolerate it. If I catch you wearing it, you will be cleaning the latrines until hell is cooler than a penguin's ass.

Now go out and practice you filthy maggots. At the double! And don't come back until Ya Mama is satisfied that you know how to use your pipe.

DISMISSED.

Next week: Strafing, Jumping, Ducking?