Columns - n00bie Hell

n00bs
By Saint
10/13/2001

There is a new force in online gaming today. A clandestine network of individuals which maintains the most important aspect of gaming: that everyone else has someone to frag and laugh at. Rest assured that if you are in a full server, the person at the very bottom of the frag pile, with a ridiculously negative frag difference, will be one of their number. Most of them have only just clicked on the multiplayer button in their games and been dragged kicking and screaming into the online world. A world in which they run around and around with the worst weapons, shooting at the ceiling and forgetting to strafe. And that's only the best of them. Yes, they are the newbies, the heart and soul of online gaming, the future g0ds. You may not believe it, but even some of ya mama's riders started off as n00bs!

They tend to inhabit the servers at which they ping the worst, because in all probability they have not yet figured out what lag and latency actually are. Although their pings may vary from shpb to slpb, you should always be careful when assuming a new name on a server is a newbie, for it may in fact be a dreaded alias. Don't be too hasty in insulting it and challenging it to a 1-vs-1 as you may get your ass kicked. Instead, watch it play for a bit and then, if it gets killed for a long period of time by all and sundry without giving in or complaining that everyone is cheating, you know you are safe.

Very few n00bs know what armour is, or what the best weapons are, let alone where to find them. These are true n00bs, worthy of the title of 'shite', because they simply have not had enough practice to become good at the game yet. However, there are those who know the game backwards, who have learnt all the maps and some decent moves by watching demos or following guides, and still play like true newbies. These do not fall into the 'shite' category; they are 'pitiful' and 'talentless'. If you are having difficulty in discerning between the two, look for the one who is walking everywhere because he does not know what 'autorun' is. He will be a true n00b.

But this is enough baiting and teasing. N00bs are very dear to me, because I still remember with dewy eyes and a quickening of the heart the day when I couldn't find the talk key, when I didn't know how to jump, when I didn't know which button was fire, and when even Trebordraw used to beat me. So I am going to dedicate this space to helping newbies by explaining to them as best I can the killer world of the online FPS. This is Ya Mama's youth system, and even if you think you are unbelievably 1337, believe me she can teach you a thing or two. Oh, and don't worry: I'll try not to take the piss too much.