Columns - Weekly Column

When I Was A Lad
Trebordraw

Welcome to my new weekly column. I would guess that many of you are thinking "What could an old timer like Treb possibly write that could bring me back to his column week after week?".

Well the answer is quite simple really. Every week I'm going to tell you how poor things are today in comparison to when I was a lad. That's right, I'm going to critique your precious world and your wizzy new technological doohickeys.

I mean be honest, just how wonderful is your house alarm? So what if it rings the police when you're being burgled or when you manage to confuse your alarm code with your bankcard pin number? Just consider that when I was a lad you could leave your front door open without having to worry about some thieving toe rag coming walking into your house and nicking your stuff. Alright, so we had nothing that was worth stealing, but at least it was our nothing and we were allowed to protect it as vigorously as we wanted. No one would have dared try to pinch stuff from my dads' house. He was a military man in his younger days. He was 58 when I was born and even in those days he was a big barrel chested fellow and he still maintained a magnificent handlebar mustache that looked like he had forced a squirrel up each nostril. What's more he made sure everyone knew that he had a shotgun and wasn't afraid to give any rogue that chanced his arm both barrels or "the full benefit" as he termed it. They were happy days they were.

Another thing that bothers me these days is custard. When I was a lad it was a proper yellow, now look at it. It's nearly white. When I ask why this is I'm told that the colouring makes children hyperactive. Hyperactive? There was no such term when I was a lad! My dad had a proper cure for a child that wouldn't sit still. Glue 'em to the chair he would say, and if that doesn't work use nails. It was a lesson that you only ever had to be taught once. That was true discipline, why should I have to suffer white custard because some soft sod can't control their kids?

Disclaimer : The views on this page in no way represent those of Ya-Mama as a whole or Salem in particular. Please try to remember that Treb is old and quite frankly he's not really got all of his oars in the water. Add to that the slight problem that he doesn't really give a toss if he upsets you and he's as hard as nails and you will start to see the problems we have to live with on a day-to-day basis. Just think yourself lucky that you only have to deal with him once a week.